A Porn Star Dies – By Taser

“Sledge Hammer” the star of over 800 adult films died last Friday after attempting suicide and then after police had to resort to using tasers multiple times to subdue him.  Marland Anderson was his given name, but on April 8th the 6’4″ full muscled out man was confronted by police who had responded to a report of his attempted suicide.  Police were unable to control Hammer, who was in a crazed state and suffering from a self inflicted knife wound, and had to taser him “excessively” after he broke free from gurney restraints to get control of the hulking man.  Police report that as many as eight officers were unable to control Hammer and tasers had to be used.  Friends and family accuse the police of resorting to using a taser because they think the police were intimidated by Hammer’s size.

Its alleged that the tasers stopped his heart for as many as ten minutes before it could be restarted and he fell into a coma and suffered massive brain swelling.  His mother was forced to remove Hammer from life support on Thursday night.

Hammer was a long time sufferer of depression, anxiety and even from schizophrenia – which was not helped by Hammer’s marijuana use.  His girlfriend, Alexa Cruz, was insistent that he was not abusing her, “This was not a domestic violence situation at all so I want to make that totally clear. This man was being tortured by his own mind and suffering from severe insomnia.”


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A Tremendously Impressive Crime Spree

Tony Blackburn is a criminal overachiever.  A top-notch felon.

Blackburn took a Greyhound bus to Nashville and during a nine hour layover decided to entertain himself with a crime spree of epic proportions.

He started off by breaking into a local business and stole a Taser, revolver and shotgun, but before leaving shot up the establishment, stole a souvenir t-shirt and set the place on fire.

Then he mugged and assaulted four people he ran into leaving a nearby bar.  He pointed the shotgun at the group, Tased one, pistol whipped another and ran off with all four’s money and belongings.

Minutes later during his getaway he carjacked a cab (at gunpoint), stopped at a Walmart where he used his recently acquired credit cards to buy $199 worth of stuff.

From there he went to the Indigo hotel at approximently 6am, broke into a law office, where he again ransacked the business – including pooping on a desk and then smearing his own feces on the law degrees on the wall (peet: who hasn’t wanted to do that at least once?).

Then going from room to room at the motel knocked on doors acting as a housekeeper, eventually robbing a couple at gunpoint of $600.

Back into the cab he’d stolen the night before, but this time with a shaved head, he got into an accident in a parking garage and ran off.  He later hailed another cab and held the driver up at knifepoint. Police finally found Blackburn hiding on top of Opryland inside a water cooling vat.  He’d submerged himself up to his nose. After nine hours Blackburn ended up being charged with eleven felonies, the local TV station put together a graphic to visually explain just how impressive his time in Nashville was.