The Tender, Soft Touch of the Teddy Bear

Charles Marshall must think that this week’s release of the movie TED is some sort of porno made just for him.  See, Marshall has again been arrested for “masturbating in public with the aide of a teddy bear”.

Yes, you read that right.  Charles has been 1) making sweet love to a stuffed animal, 2) in the full view of the public, 3) this is the FOURTH time he’s been caught.

The 28 year old Cincinnati man was arrested last Wednesday night after employees from a neighborhood health clinic spotted him pleasuring himself.  Marshall was first caught doing this back in February 2010 in a public library men’s bathroom, then again in November 2010 and August 2011 for, ““masturbating w/a stuffed animal (teddy bear)” and “masturbating using a teddy bear in a public place where minors were likely to be present.”  All of the charges were misdemeanor counts resulting in short sentences.

In this latest arrest Marshall was cited with only disorderly conduct.  The court record actually says under “Describe Violation”, Did create a condition of annoyance/alarm by performing a sex act with a teddy bear in public”.

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Literally, He’s a “Beat” Cop

Mike Eiskant is now a former police man, and one totally creepy dude.

When you watch the news report video below (and you must watch it), you’ll find out all about the story of Eiskant being caught, via his car’s dash cam, masturbating inside his squad car.  But we also know now that Eiskant was considered by many to be a “creeper” with a history of harassing women.

In the video, which really is only audio, you can hear Eiskant talking sweet nothings to himself as he is apparently looking at some porn on his cell, or simply conjuring up erotic imagery in his mind.  You can not only hear him talking (“Oh, show me those big beautiful breasts, baby.”) and making some odd sexual noises, but the sound of his zipper can also be heard quite clearly.

Fellow officers aren’t surprised and there are reports that others attempted to file changes against him in years past, but nothing ever came of it and in fact Eiskant was promoted to the rank of sergeant.  When that happened he was issued the badge number “69”.

Eiskant settled with a no contest plea on several different issues that will ensure he never is a police officer anywhere, ever again.  The no contest pleas were for two counts of attempt to commit a felony for false imprisonment, one count of stalking, two counts of harassment and charges for larceny and possession of marijuana. The criminal complaint details that seven of the charges happened in 2011 and plenty of them involved women in traffic stops.


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