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Please, Do Not Tape Turtles To Balloons

A California community is in shock after finding a turtle that had been taped to several green helium filled balloons and set loose to float away.

The turtle was found when the balloons got caught in a tree and the turtle dangling from the string and tape it was attached to.  The local Humane Society was called to save the turtle, who in turn called the fire department to climb the tree.  “We look up and there are green and blue balloons up there,” a witness told ABC News affiliate 10 News. “He was just swinging his arms trying to get out of it. Somebody had taped him to the balloons.”

The turtle was a common box turtle and was unharmed after the fire team used a ladder truck to reach it.  Police are looking to find out who did this to the turtle and if found could be charged with animal cruelty.

(peet: it realize this wasn’t right, even cruel, but I did laugh.  I have to be honest)

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Does The Lemon Law Apply Here?

BMW India Private Limited

Henry Wolf of California has sued BMW for what must be the most awkward of maintenance issues.

His motorcycle has given him a permi-boner.

Wolf claims that his 1993 BMW motorcycle, with its “ridge like seat” caused him to develop an erection that has lasted for 20 months.  The condition began after a four hour ride and while there is no actual data to support the claim doctors can confirm that compression of the neuromuscular supply to the penis can cause different issues.  Wolf claims that ironically, despite having the unstoppable erection he has been rendered unable to “engage in sexual activity” and all of the emotional and mental anguish that comes with that – are all part of his lawsuit.

BMW discovered Wolf wasn’t using the original seat the bike was made with.  It was a $200 aftermarket seat made by seatmaker Corbin-Pacific, and they too are named in the suit.

 

Mr Berndt Will Not Win Teacher of the Year

In a truly horrid story, and after almost a year’s investigation, 61 year old Mark Berndt has been arrested and charged with commiting lewd acts on 23 children ages 7-10.

Berdt, a 30 year veteran teacher in California, appeared on police radar when a photo developer turned over a series of pics of children in differing positions with tape over their mouths and blindfolded.

The pics showed different children with giant Madagascar cockroaches on their faces, and in some girls had a blue plastic spoon with a clear/white liquid substance up to their mouths.  A search of the classroom later turned up a blue spoon which later tested for ….  semen….

While no children came forward and made claims against Berndt, a search of his home turned up over 100 similar photos along with an adult bondage DVD which had similar imagery as found in the pics of the children.  There are pics with Berndt’s arm around some of the children and over the mouths of others.  The acts reportedly took place between 2008-2010.

He was arrested Monday and is facing a $2.3million bail.

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Bondage, Meth, Murder & Sucide

Mark Andrew Rice had September 15, 2009 go from celebration, to kinky, to misery in short order.

Rice had asked his girlfriend, Natasha Carpenter to marry him.  Carpenter, a prostitute,  was a girl he met at a truck stop in Texas.  They fell in love after encounters during his trucking career.  After accepting the proposal, sex games were next on the to-do list, and for this couple it included bondage.  Rice talked Carpenter to allow him to tie her arms behind her and place a gag in her mouth (nothing says love like a little S&M) as part of acting out his fantasy.

Somehow, not completely clear, Carpenter died and Rice’s reaction was to go on a meth binge and drove the body in his truck from California to Mississippi.

Once there he climbed into his truck, with Carpenter’s body in the back, and set the 18 wheeler on fire, hoping to kill himself and, I guess, double kill his girlfriend.  He was pulled from the burning semi and survived the incident.

He pled guilty to arson, desecrating a corpse and was sentenced to six years in prison.

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The ‘Ol Fake Kidnapping Scam

Oh teenage girls will do the earnest of things.

Like elaborately staging their own kidnapping.

Christina Almanza, 17, of Vellejo, California did just that with texts, voice mails and a story that involved a sex ring, other girls and the suggestion she’d witnessed a murder.

An Amber Alert was released after she was reported missing last week.  She was found in a home with two other people, and a dude she’d met….. on the internet (shocker!)

Additionally, Almanza is a teen mom.  Of a two year old and authorities think she is pregnant again and was worried about her parents reaction to that news.

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Mythbusters Test Goes Very Wrong

Discovery Channel’s Mythbusters were trying another experiment taping of their show on Tuesday in hills of northern California.

The test was to find out just how far a softball sized cannonball would travel.  The test was to blast the cast iron ball into tubs of water, then a cinder block and if it was to get through those, there was always the foothills of California to stop it.  But then there was a misfire and the “ball” went flying over the hills and into a neighborhood in Dublin, California.

The ball found its way through one entire house, blasting in at the top of the front door and eventually exiting the house by an upstairs window.  Then it crossed the street and fell onto the roof of a house 50 yards away across the street and finally found its final resting place as it crashed through the passenger window of a mini van next to the house.

While there was no one hurt, there was extensive damage, but it also may make for the most awesome episode of Mythbusters to date.

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Naked, Enraged Bodybuilder ‘Hulks Out’

Leo Rubio and his wife were simply coming home…

…coming home to a savage beating.

Saturday night the couple returned from a party to find a giant, naked, 300lb, muscle bound stranger on the porch of their home. There was a confrontation with 22 year old Ruben Arzu, a bodybuilder and apparently under the influence of steroids and other drugs.  Upon seeing Arzu on the porch, the wife went into the house to call 9-1-1, but a beating of Rubio began where he suffered a broken jaw.  The wife came out to help her husband and Arzu began attacking her leaving her with a skull fracture.

Arzu then fled the scene and tried to break into a neighboring home, but was cornered in the backyard where to took two stun guns and four police officers to subdue the 5’10” 300ld man.  He has been charged with two counts of attempted murder and a count of aggravated mayhem and is still in the hospital himself for injures he sustained during the ruckus.

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Leno Asks For, And Gets, Bike Ride Death

Acting as the Grand Marshal of the 28th annual “Love Ride” in California, Jay Leno joked that he was going to be

different from all previous speakers and insisted the participants, “Don’t drive safe.’ I wanna see somebody go down. So it’ll be fun. I want it to be in front or behind me and see a whole row of bikes go down. Get drunk, fall off the road. We’ve all become too damn polite…we haven’t had one incident.”

Well, he will regret that joke forever as not long afterwards Julie Cameron, 38, and Romarino Zeri, 51, of Los Angeles were killed when their motorcycle collided with a 18 wheeler on the Golden State (5) Freeway.  The rig’s back wheel hit the couple and they were pronouced dead at the scene.

The Love Ride has raised more than 13 million dollars for Autism Speaks, and this year’s event had 2,000 riders and previously had never had an incident…

…until Jay Leno made that joke….

Somewhere, Conan is laughing.

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