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“She’s Not Dead, She’s Fine”

Denver Police were called to an apartment earlier this month to complaints of a foul smell.  What they found inside one of the residences was the decomposing body of a woman, Michalea Beth Ford, 32,  but with her alive husband, Steven Ford, and dog sitting along side her watching TV.

Police arrived after neighbors complained of a terrible smell and entered the apartment using a key from the manager.  Upon entering a Great Dane dog met them but turned and went back into the apartment.  Once inside, police saw the dog retreating to a couch where it jumped up onto along side the slumped deceased body of the woman.  Blocking the entrance of the living room was the woman’s husband, who appeared to be drunk or “out of sorts” as described by police.  Police asked the man how long the woman had been dead and he replied, “She’s not dead. She’s fine.”

The dog had to be removed by animal control when it began to guard the body when police went for a closer look.

Police decided Ford had been dead for at least 10 days with the body showing significant decomposition along with a large hole in the wall and a turned over TV in the bedroom.  Ford has not been charged, and the family has come forward to explain to the public that Steven Ford had a brain injury suffered from a truck accident in 2011, Michalea had been diagnosed with pancreatitis and the pair were heavy drinkers.  The family is sure that Steven had nothing to do with her death and assume that she died from complications and lack of treatment for her condition.  The condition of the apartment and lack of notifying police of her death they chalk up to Steven, “freaking out”.

94 Year Old Woman Dies in Wheelchair Accident

94 year old Elizabeth Street died from injuries suffered from her wheelchair rolling down a hill outside her nursing home and landing in a ditch full of water.

Street’s wheelchair appears to have not been set in a “lock” position after nursing home employees had taken her and others outside during a fire drill.  Reports indicate that employees didn’t realize Street was even missing until police called stating they had calls reporting an elderly woman in a ditch full of water.  An employee went outside and found Street.

Street survived the accident, but eventually died from injuries suffered.  Cause of death hasn’t been officially announced, but she had developed pneumonia and was already struggling with congestive heart failure.

Man Divorces Because Wife & Child Are Ugly

A man in Northern China has successfully divorced his wife and also won $120,000 in a related lawsuit – all because his wife and child were ugly.

Jian Feng married his wife several years ago and by all reports it was a loving relationship.  When she gave birth to their baby girl the problems with the relationship began.  The baby, Feng thought, was so ugly he was frightened by her.  He also was suspect of his fatherhood in the girl because she looked nothing like either him or his wife.

When pressed for an explanation, the woman finally admitted that she had under gone more than $100,000 in plastic surgery that drastically altered her appearance – but that it had happened before the pair had met and she decided not to tell him.  The man filed for divorce on the premise that she had gotten him to marry her “under false pretense” and was later not only grated the divorce but also won $120,000 he requested in restitution.

(peet: The origin of this story can be sourced back to an article in a Macedonian website from Feb 2012 – the veracity of it is hard to confirm because there are no other corroborating stories.  But it’s too good not to mention.  I will also mention I pulled these two pics from other versions of the same story, but I can’t confirm their authenticity.)

 

It Happened In Florida

A Port St. Luice man took the extreme step of proving his innocence to police by showing them his genitals.

Earlier this month police were called to a local CVS to meet a woman who claimed there was a man in the parking lot masturbating.  She admitted that she hadn’t seen his private parts, but did notice as she walked by his car that he was making an “up and down motion in the area of his crotch,” according to the police report.

The man, who had gone into the store by the time police arrived and was questioned about what he was doing in the parking lot before he went into the store.  The man told police that he “had a rash” and was simply scratching his testicles.  Sensing that the officer was suspect of his story, he offered to show police his evidence.  Police agreed and he then “presented his testicles” and the police “verified” it.  With no proof that the man was doing anything illegal or lewd he was released with no charges.

World’s Most Gullible Lesbian

A 51 year old Lufkin, Texas woman claims that she was duped into a sexual lesbian relationship with a long time friend via Yahoo! Messenger.

This is a seriously confusing story, so allow me to try and explain it.

The woman, I will refer to as “victim”, is long time friends with 30 year old Angela Buchanan (below right).  Buchanan told the victim that she was a breast cancer survivor, but that she was concerned over the possibility of the cancer returning.  She also told the victim that she had been consulting with a “long time friend”, a local gynecologist named,”Doc”.  Buchanan somehow got the victim to start chatting with Doc via Yahoo! Messenger to discuss his concerns about Buchanan’s health.

This is where it gets very odd.

The victim says that she was told by Doc that she should engage in a sexual relationship with Buchanan to help increase her hormone levels which would potentially delay or cure a pre-cancerous mass he claimed Buchanan had.  Participating in sex with her would give her a significant advantage in getting ahead of the cancer.  The victim told police she was reluctant, and despite that she earlier in life was a lesbian she no longer identified herself as such (now she thinks its morally wrong) she decided to help save her friend’s life by having sex with her.

As the relationship went on, Buchanan would go for blood work and treatments.  Doc would review those results with the victim online and advise her to continue the sexual relationship along with advice on “frequency, nature and duration” of the sexual encounters.

Doc then told the victim that he had advised Buchanan to take the proactive stance of having a mastectomy and reconstructive surgery.  After the surgery, the victim talked to the doctor that performed the surgery (not “doc” but a different person) and inquired about the cancerous mass.  He told her he had no idea about that, but that the breast augmentation had gone very well.  When she asked Doc about the discrepancy in the stories, he told her that the surgeon was actually doing the surgery “under the table” and had to deny because of cameras in the waiting room.  Already established as a terribly gullible person, the victim bought Doc’s story.

Additionally, Buchanan had tried to talk the victim into traveling to a state that allowed same sex marriage so Buchanan could win a custody battle over twins she birth’d  via in vitro fertilization.

Finally the victim’s own daughter expressed the concern that Doc was actually Buchanan.  The victim called Buchanan’s ex-girlfriend and found out that all of her backstories about cancer, custody battles and other things had never happened and was untrue.  She contacted police after she contacted Doc’s office and found out it didn’t exist.

Buchanan admitted she’d made up the whole thing and was the person posing as Doc.  She told police she wanted to be in a relationship with the victim and that the Doc, cancer, surgery story was the only way it would ever happen.  She is out on $1500 bond and faces a year in prison on a Class A misdemeanor charge of online impersonation.

Woman Really, Really Wants a Day Off

Sheila Bailey Eubank, a 48 year old San Antonio woman, was found by police inside her car bound with rope.  She told them she’d been carjacked and abducted, but what Eubank really was up to was trying to get a day off from work.

Eubank told police she had been in her car at 6:15am when a man jumped into her car while at a stop light, held a knife to her and instructed her to differing locations where she claims he held drug deals.  She said that the assailant also attacked her and choked her with a rope before tying her up and leaving her in the car.  The problem with the story was that police found her purse in the car along with a lottery ticket that was purchased in the timeframe which she claimed to have been in the middle of her kidnapping.  A video surveillance of the store where the ticket was purchased showed Eubank coming and going from the store without displaying any signs of distress or worry.  A video from an ATM that she claims she was forced to withdraw money showed no signs that anyone was with her at the time.

When confronted with the evidence, Eubank confessed that she had made up the entire story.  She was only trying to get a day off from work and “wanted attention”.

She now has been charged with Aggravated Perjury.

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Punching Mrs. Darth Vader

In England a man who years ago legally changed his name from Mark Nokes (right) to Darth Vader became involved in an altercation with another man that ended with his wife, Mrs. Vader (right), getting punched in the face.

Vader was confronted by his neighbor, Ikbal Hare (oddly enough that is not a Star Wars character) who’d confronted Vadar with his suspicion that he was having an illicit affair with his girlfriend.  (It has been reported that Hare suspected Vader of using “Jedi mind tricks”, but it’s not clear if that is an actual fact or clever writing) When the argument heated up and a scuffle broke out between the two, Vader’s wife stepped into between them and was accidentally punched in the face by Hare.  Hare then armed himself with, “a brick and threw sand in the face of Darth Vader”.

Hare ran off but was arrested two days later at his home.  He was charged with disorderly behavior. (But gets to brag he punched Darth Vader’s wife)

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Making The Inheritance Happen Mo’ Faster

Nicole Boover, a 18 year old LSU student must have needed some cash because she is accused to trying to shoot her own mother in hopes that she would get inheritance money.

Last Monday afternoon Boover’s mother went to answer her own front door, looked through the peep hole and saw her daughter.  As she started to open the door Nicole raised a silver handgun, the mom shut the door and the daughter shot three times.  The mother was uninjured and called police.  The girl’s stepfather reported that he suspected she would return to her dorm room.  Once there police found the girl’s car with 18 year old Andrew Yuhas in Nicole’s car.  Nicole was arrested inside her dorm room.  While a gun was not found, marajauna was in both the room and car.

Yuhas was an accomplish to the murder plot that was intended to garner the girl a $500,000 inheritance and Yuhas had been promised a $50,000 cut.  The pair had brought gloves, duct tape and masks.  Yuhas told police that they were going to leave the state after the murder, but all of that was foiled when arrested.

Boover has been charged with attempted first degree murder.  Yuhas was charged with a count of being a fugitive suspected of serving as a principal to attempted first-degree murder.

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Oddest Cover Story Ever

Amanda and Robert were both arrested at Samuel’s Sports Bar in southern MA over the weekend charged with trying to steal TV’s from the bathrooms.  Their explanation was that in reality they were actually having sex – hence explaining the commotion.  The problem?  Amanda and Robert Larrivee are sister and brother.

A woman using the restroom at the bar reported to the manager that she heard the pair ripping a TV off the wall.  She says that she was able to leave the bathroom without the pair noticing her.  The manager called police and locked the couple in the bathroom to prevent them from leaving.  When cops arrived and opened the door the pair claimed they were in there “having sex”.

Unfortunately for them not only was it obvious they had been attempting to steal the women’s room TV, further investigation revealed they had also attempted the same theft in the men’s room.

Both were charged with larceny over $250, but Robert got the additional charge of “threatening to commit a crime” after he threatened to beat up the arresting officer.

Moms & Daughters Fight Over the Weirdest Things

A Dallas mother and daughter got into a argument that triggered Dallas police responding to a “major disturbance” at the home of Sandra Mays.  Mays, 52, claimed that her daughter was attempting to attack her with a kitchen knife over a dispute about a improperly disposed used tampon.

Yes, I just typed that.

Mays claimed that she had confronted her daughter, Lasonta, after the mother had found the tampon sitting on the bathroom counter.  This upset Lasonta, who grabbed a kitchen knife and chased her mom around the house yelling “Bitch, I’m going to kill you”, until the mother was able to lock herself in a bedroom in the rear of the home.  The daughter reportedly then began to try to kick down the door to the room all while screaming, “Bitch, I am going to stab you in the middle of your fucking forehead.”

Police arrived and arrested Lasonta charged her with aggravated assault and has a previous record including aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.  No word if there are any pending charges for being totally gross and inconsiderate with her soiled feminine products.

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